And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
