i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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