My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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