If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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