I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Randomize
