If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
