Kiss
Puke
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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