I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
