Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
