apparently the secret to your success is patron
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My pussy is not your playground.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
