I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
