Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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