Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Panties = found
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