My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
