and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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