I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
