Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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