im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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