Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
