if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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