the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
