is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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