Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
