Can i not drive my cunt home
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How does it feel to date your dad?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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