Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
