I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize