Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
