I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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