the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
