FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
