Kareoke will never be a sober sport
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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