I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
