I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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