True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
