eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
