If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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