LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
