need another drink. this is the easiest way
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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