fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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