Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
