Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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