Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
