sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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