I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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