Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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