Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
