i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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