just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
