apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
