I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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