angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize