and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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