I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize