Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
