Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
