she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
