I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
