note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
