my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
