They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
