Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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