Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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