Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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