You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My hand turned me down
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
