I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
